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Ontarian Hawkins
Member Since: 6/27/2011
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Ontarian Hawkins   My Press Releases

The Diary and Thoughts of a FAT Man (400lbs plus) – TRUE STORY

Published on 1/15/2014
For additional information  Click Here

Today was another devastating day in my world. I don’t know why I continue to kill myself everyday with FOOD. Who would have ever thought food could do this to an individual but it’s taking inches off my life daily.

 If you are reading this with tears in your eyes just know I tried my best. Well, maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Today’s breakfast, lunch and dinner went a little something  like this:

 p.s and by the way.. I’m sitting right in the Lions’ den as I write this. That’s right.. you guessed it.. Good ol’ Mickey D’s .. So this morning I had:

5 Pancakes with extra syrup

10 pieces of bacon

5 buttermilk buscuits

5 sausages

2 glasses of orange juice


 I headed over to one of my favorite chicken places and ordered the 15 piece special I saw on the outside of the window, which came with a LARGEmash potato, 3 ears of corn, 1 okra, and a large drink (coke is my favorite)


 Headed over to my regular steak joint and ordered three 16oz steaks with 3 loaded baked potatoes, a salad drenched in ranch dressing, and a large pink lemonade (free refills too).

 Its about 9pm on a Friday as I could barely walk out of the steak joint due to my neuropathy and swollen feet. The pain I feel everyday is so excruciating that I just want to cut my legs off sometimes. But, who’s to blame but me.

 You may be wondering how I’m able to take in over 5,000 calories or more per day in just 3 meals. Truth is, I’ve been doing this same routine for the past 5 years of my life and have gained a total of 200 lbs of flubber.. I’m literally carrying around another person on my body.

 You want to know the craziness of it all? I hate every second of my life, from the moment I wake up in the morning until my head hits the pillow. Maybe you can relate to what I’m saying here. My body and MIND are at aDis-Ease constantly, and food is just a temporary antidote that keeps me elated for a split second.

 My hormones are raging out of control. I’m stressed, depressed, anxious, tired, and every other word that comes with being morbidly obese. My doctor told me that if I didn’t change my lifestyle for the better that I would be seeing a grave before I hit 35.

 And to be honest, at this point in my life, I don’t care. I have nothing to gain or lose. I’m fat, sick, and nearly dead and no woman is going to love me for who I am. It kills me to look at those fit guys in the magazines only to see myself as a LOSER. Food is the only thing in my life that doesn’t call me out.

Food talks to me and let’s me know that everything is going to be okay. Food satisfies my hormones and taste so good, which is the same feeling I would love to experience from a woman, but I know it won’t happen.

Here’s how I feel about myself:


I’m no good


I’m not Motivated to do anything

I would rather wait to get diagnosed than change naturally

I’m Ugly

I Can’t Do It

I’m Ready to DIE!!!

Can you feel my PAIN? Can you relate to my PAIN? I hope you can because you are looking at yourself in this mirror right now. My question to you is this.. When are you going to make a change in your life for the better?

When are you going to take care of your health before it’s too late and you have doctors bills in the thousands knocking down your door? Now is the time to get off the couch and get moving. Being FAT is a state of MIND. It’s not who you really are. Make a change today.

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